Do you and your partner speak the same language?
03/09/09 14:38
My
colleague Russell Davis gave a great talk recently on
something called love languages, based on a book with
the same name.
We are all unique and experience the world in unique ways. We need to make sure that we are communicating in a way that the receiver understands. The same is true when it comes to love.
Are you demonstrating your love for your partner in a way that he/she will hear and understand it?
After more than 20 years of experience, an American relationship counsellor, Gary Chapman, identified five ways that we give/receive love. Here’s the thing: we tend to give love in the way that we prefer to receive it – which may not be the same way as our partner. So all your efforts may be in vain, and your partner may be feeling rather unloved. Well, now you cannot only understand your preferred way, but your partner's as well, and truly enhance your relationship.
The five love languages are:
1. Words of Affirmation. These are anything from compliments, encouragement, affirmation and the absence of criticism or judgment. Does criticism crush you? Do you feel especially loved when someone expresses his/her gratitude for you? Try simple compliments, use encouraging words (and don’t forget that the tone of voice should match the words!)
2. Quality Time. This is time focused on each other, with no distractions. It includes sharing your thoughts and feelings. It could be quality activities as well, which could be something that your partner wants to do together, and which you are willing to do as a act of love. So, take her/him to the ballet or the football if you know that is something heshe would love do. Do you feel especially loved when someone gives you their undivided attention? Talk openly and honestly about how you feel. Don’t play games!
3. Gifts. These could be bought, made or found. They don’t have to cost a lot of money. Do you feel especially loved when someone gives you a gift or another tangible expression of their love? Give yourself in some way.
4. Acts of Service. Doing something that is important to your partner – not what you would like to do for them. Do you feel especially loved when someone pitches in to help you or helps with the housework or the jobs around the house or the car without being asked?
5. Physical Touch. This could be anything from a glancing touch as you go past, or a massage. Most men think that this is their area (as it includes sex), but actually for men sex is more of a physical desire, not emotional. To test this, ask yourself: Do you like other forms of touch? Would you want to have sex with your partner if he/she were not communicating love with your second love language? If not, then your second is probably your first. Do you feel especially loved when someone expresses their love through physical contact?
Communicating love to your partner in his/her preferred love language can transform your relationship, as your partner will feel emotionally loved and wanted, and will automatically respond and reflect that love back to you.
Give it a go. See if you can identify your partner's primary love language. Ask them. So often in long-term relationships we assume our partner should know and get frustrated because they don’t.
Do something to express your love to them in that way, every day for two weeks. You will be amazed at the difference this can make!
We are all unique and experience the world in unique ways. We need to make sure that we are communicating in a way that the receiver understands. The same is true when it comes to love.
Are you demonstrating your love for your partner in a way that he/she will hear and understand it?
After more than 20 years of experience, an American relationship counsellor, Gary Chapman, identified five ways that we give/receive love. Here’s the thing: we tend to give love in the way that we prefer to receive it – which may not be the same way as our partner. So all your efforts may be in vain, and your partner may be feeling rather unloved. Well, now you cannot only understand your preferred way, but your partner's as well, and truly enhance your relationship.
The five love languages are:
1. Words of Affirmation. These are anything from compliments, encouragement, affirmation and the absence of criticism or judgment. Does criticism crush you? Do you feel especially loved when someone expresses his/her gratitude for you? Try simple compliments, use encouraging words (and don’t forget that the tone of voice should match the words!)
2. Quality Time. This is time focused on each other, with no distractions. It includes sharing your thoughts and feelings. It could be quality activities as well, which could be something that your partner wants to do together, and which you are willing to do as a act of love. So, take her/him to the ballet or the football if you know that is something heshe would love do. Do you feel especially loved when someone gives you their undivided attention? Talk openly and honestly about how you feel. Don’t play games!
3. Gifts. These could be bought, made or found. They don’t have to cost a lot of money. Do you feel especially loved when someone gives you a gift or another tangible expression of their love? Give yourself in some way.
4. Acts of Service. Doing something that is important to your partner – not what you would like to do for them. Do you feel especially loved when someone pitches in to help you or helps with the housework or the jobs around the house or the car without being asked?
5. Physical Touch. This could be anything from a glancing touch as you go past, or a massage. Most men think that this is their area (as it includes sex), but actually for men sex is more of a physical desire, not emotional. To test this, ask yourself: Do you like other forms of touch? Would you want to have sex with your partner if he/she were not communicating love with your second love language? If not, then your second is probably your first. Do you feel especially loved when someone expresses their love through physical contact?
Communicating love to your partner in his/her preferred love language can transform your relationship, as your partner will feel emotionally loved and wanted, and will automatically respond and reflect that love back to you.
Give it a go. See if you can identify your partner's primary love language. Ask them. So often in long-term relationships we assume our partner should know and get frustrated because they don’t.
Do something to express your love to them in that way, every day for two weeks. You will be amazed at the difference this can make!